By: Dr. B.
As parents, educators and caregivers, we often encounter behavioral situations that frustrate us. Our limits are tested, and our boundaries are pushed to their limits. Many of us struggle with techniques to end this annoying and irritating behavior.
How to get them to just STOP?
A friend recently relayed a story in which her son would let out loud belching noises as she drove him to school each morning. This happened on a daily basis. “Kyle, did you remember your Biology paper?” Was met with a loud:
He knew about his Mom’s (and most everyone’s’) aversion to bodily noises, yet it continued. He was enjoying the reaction. That little smile gave him away. She tried asking him to stop, explaining social etiquette rules, threatening a consequence and many other tactics:
Nothing worked!
So, what was going on here?
Before we can employ techniques to end the behavior, it is helpful to understand why the behavior is occurring. As a parent or educator, it is important to remember that all behavior is communication, and all behavior has a functional element. “Challenging Behavior” is often described as communicating an unmet need. When a child behaves in a way that challenges us, we need to question why they are behaving this way. If we can consider the origins of the behavior, we will be able to better understand what the message behind the behavior might be, which will help us to begin to effectively manage the behavior.
What was Kyle communicating to his Mom? He wanted attention from her, and even though it wasn’t a positive experience; he DID get her attention and response. As this went on, it became consistent: Kyle would burp, and Mom would react. In this case, Kyle was using behavior which got a negative reaction from his Mom. When this occurs, it often leads to a cycle which is exhausting for parents and caregivers. Kyle got into this as a habit, and it became a natural part of the day for him. His mom got into the habit of being exasperated with her son instead of having real communication with him.
So, what’s the best way to break this cycle?
Try this:
“I noticed that you did such a good job today and wanted to let you know I appreciate it”
When we assign attention to positive behavior, while giving no attention or reaction to negative behaviors – we see a positive result.
Behavior will follow the attention!
As my friend changed her reaction to her sons burping in the car, his behavior changed too – eventually. She started to ignore the burps and they became less frequent.
This Mom started adding compliments for his good behavior
by telling her son:
“Thanks Kyle, I noticed you didn’t burp on the ride this morning. That shows me that you’re responsible and respectful. I really appreciate it!”
At first, this was met with some resumed behavior, but this eventually ended. After being in a cycle of negative attention, it can feel strange at first for the child/teen to hear positive comments. They may find it uncomfortable at first.
Don’t give up, though!
Mom tells of the day she made an ENTIRE trip with no negative behavior from her son. As Kyle got out of the car – he pushed the door, and just as it was about to close Mom yelled: “Bye Kyle… have a Great Day and Thank You SO MUCH for being respectful in the car today!!”
As she drove away Kyle started to smile – Mom got what she needed: a peaceful ride to the school. Kyle also got what he needed: Mom’s attention – this time in a positive, loving way. Both of them had a good foundation for the day and for a positive interaction to grow.
Taking a positive view toward her son made Mom smile again as she drove away from the school, thinking about how happy she was to be in touch with her son.
It is important to remember that children value our attention. Some children desire any attention they can get – whether positive or negative. Often times, kids and teens are unaware of how to receive positive attention, so they resort to negative behaviors to get attention from their parents, teachers or caretakers. This makes it challenging for classroom management and can disrupt all learners. By giving students attention for their negative behaviors, we are inadvertently reinforcing their problem behaviors, and increasing the likelihood of the behavior to be repeated and copied! As parents, educators and support staff, we have a choice as to which behaviors we want to encourage. Many times, by adjusting our own behavior, we can see the results we want from our children!
For More Tips and Strategies check out www.core-methods.com or www.thebehaviorbootcamp.com
