How often do you say to yourself, “I can’t believe they just said that!” Then immediately think, ‘Wow, did they do it just to get a rise out of those around them?’ Yes, they absolutely did!
For many parents, educators, or caretakers, when this happens, you find yourself in a position where you need to say, “Stop that!”, or “That isn’t appropriate!”, or even provide them with a consequence. The challenge is that for most, this often does not stop the inappropriate comments, and at times it actually feels like it may encourage the comments to continue. While it may be true that providing a consequence may inadvertently reinforce the behavior, it is actually more likely that feedback from others around the ‘commentator’ is actually reinforcing the behavior – things like giggling, making eye contact, or even encouraging the behavior.
For many adults, this is a huge pet-peeve. We are often asked to ‘get rid’ of this behavior, and I wish it were that simple. For the repeat offender, no consequence keeps this behavior from occurring.
To begin, let’s explore the need behind this behavior, as typically these individuals have higher energy needs. They may also have lower self-worth and be struggling to fit into the social collective. The feedback that they receive from peers for these inappropriate comments or gestures often provides them with the high energy feedback they are seeking, and reinforces the behavior to continue. Consequences for these comments or gestures do not work, as the feedback received from peers makes the commentator feel as though they are part of the social group. For these individuals, the fear of being outside of this social group IS the biggest consequence, not the loss of privileges. So what can work?
Fortunately, there are several strategies that can interrupt this cycle while still meeting the individual’s need for feedback.
- Provide feedback about the absence of the behavior: This is the most impactful thing that others can do to support this person. Even better, provide the individual with feedback regarding the behavior that you do want, and make sure to provide this feedback during a transition, so the individual is less likely to self-sabotage. For instance, when the student is heading to another class or is heading home for the day, (or if they are at home, when they are headed to school), or right before an activity that requires a lot of physical input (such as prior to P.E, or a transition that might have the person walking up the stairs). The feedback should look like this: “Hey Justin, I noticed that you didn’t use the ‘scammer voice’ in class today, and I really appreciate you respecting my classroom! It shows a lot of maturity! See you tomorrow!” Then close the classroom door, as it will work best if the student is not given an opportunity to self-sabotage by demonstrating the behavior in response to the positive feedback given. Over time, this feedback will need to be provided when the behavior is most likely to occur to ensure that it won’t occur.
- Pay attention to body language: When the individual perches (sits up on the edge of a chair and typically looks around the room – they are ‘looking for prey’ at this moment), provide a distraction. You could ask the individual to go fill up your water bottle, hand out classroom tools, or move furniture (all of these are regulators). This strategy will distract the individual from participating in the unwanted behavior and will allow them to enter a more regulated state.
- Provide a high feedback activity at the time the individual is likely to display the behavior: We were supporting a dance recital recently and one of the dancers we were supporting would yell “Chicken Bob!” whenever her group moved into position just off the stage, waiting to take the stage. Not only was this distracting to the dancers performing, but the audience could also hear her yell “Chicken Bob!” After the first time it happened we created a series of silent games like thumb wrestling, who could balance the longest on one foot, and hand slap (done silently), to both distract her and give her the feedback she needed. Disrupting this behavior change kept the behavior from happening without having to say “Please Stop!” many times. She did ‘test’ the behavior again at the awards ceremony the following week just to see if people would give her feedback. You may say it’s negative, but feedback is feedback. Like nutrition, we don’t always eat what we should and behavior works the same way, we don’t always get what we should but we still need the feedback.
- Ignore the behavior: This almost never works as most people ignore not just the behavior but the individual as well, and they just get louder with their behavior until they receive feedback. If you can keep from commenting on the behavior and ensure that those in the presence can also ignore the behavior you could focus on the person and ignore the behavior and it will extinguish naturally. This takes a lot of skill and patience for all present but works well.
- Utilize peer feedback: Peer feedback can also be a very powerful tool and having students provide feedback to each other that is positive can be helpful. If positive feedback is too tough, you could try neutral feedback at first. This can eliminate the need for the ‘shock talk’.
By far, the most impactful technique will be to give feedback for the behavior you want. Even more effective if peers can also give feedback in this area. A significant amount of feedback will be needed if there have been behavioral concerns due to the inappropriate comments or gestures. Keep in mind that the more feedback the unwanted behavior receives, the more likely it is to be repeated, even if it is negative feedback the commentator receives. Many times discipline policies or safety procedures require a response and if that is the case try to deliver this feedback with a flat affect and save the high energy for the desired behavior.
The next time you find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe they just said that” remember that the behavior receiving the most feedback is often the behavior that continues. Sometimes, changing the feedback changes everything. ☺
